Intimacy versus Intensity

What are the most satisfying moments in life? I often find them in the presence of someone who is honest, safe, easy to talk to, and has no other agenda but to be with me.

Pauses with people like this are extraordinary gifts. In my experience, they are easy to miss because they are completely unearned. They show up when least expected. And, this is the big one, they do not require drama or intensity.

The absence of intensity tends to throw me, explaining why I easily miss, or dismiss, these special connections. I’m often in a hurry, on to the next thing or trying to get past stuff that's in my face: email, Facebook, phone calls, and...the list goes on.

It’s only since moving into the second half of life that I have begun to learn: intensity is not the same as intimacy.

Silence is not all that bad. Even between friends. Especially between friends.

At first, silence is a bit unnerving. It usually comes after small talk is spent and the only topics left have to do with other people—which, for most of us, is just another place to hide.

I am richly blessed with a few friends who don’t go down that path. For them, a close relationship trumps the awful compulsion to be right, to look good. They love and listen in a defenseless way. They almost always want to share something from the heart. Like my friend, Peter.


“David, how long has it been since we had coffee? Three weeks? That’s way too long. I’ve missed being with you. I’m hurting. I’m still hurting since losing my brother. It’s been two years. I keep thinking I should be better by now, but I’m not. I keep waiting for him to call me.”

Silence follows. That’s all that is required. There isn't anything for me to fix, to prove or to change. Not even to tell him, “You’ll be okay." I am grateful and honored to be invited into this place in his life.

Another unexpected gift that's
scarce, priceless, free:
quiet intimacy.
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